It’s been a while since I have posted here.
Lately I’ve been struggling with loud thoughts, feelings of severe emptiness, and feelings of extreme love and attachment. All which are BPD symptoms. I always feel empty on some sort of level.
I’ve been out of a long-term relationship since late December last year. I was thoroughly convinced my partner had pure intentions until I got screamed at daily. I was also shoved. Than? I chose to leave him for good. The abuse was escalating and I didn’t want to be there when it escalated more. I stayed there almost a month until I found housing, I listened to his abusive words, screaming, and evil rants daily.
I could cry to him about my feelings and he would usually blankly stare at me like he didn’t care. He also liked to use my mental illness against me whenever I was upset and even guilted me when I wanted to spend more time with my family. I didn’t know what reality was from all the mental abuse, he gaslighted me often. No matter what I did, or how many things I did for him, I was never able to please him enough. I felt like I was just crazy. I got the help I needed a year into our relationship when my mental health wasn’t up to par and he refused to get professional therapy when I brought it up for him. A psychiatrist is good, but with unhealthy behaviors talking this out with someone is beneficial. I told him this.
I didn’t understand. If I got the help I needed for us, why wouldn’t he do the same? On my way out the door, he THAN said he would go to therapy, but the damage had already been done. It was too late. I will always look fondly on the good parts of him that did exist. I’m not saying he never cared about me ever because he did at times.
Losing him was the beginning of all that I knew of my identity being ripped away from me.
I wanted to believe he was the love of my life. Oh boy, was I wrong. I idolized him for so long that it took forever before I saw him as a negative factor in my life.
This is the first downfall my BPD has had in my recent mental decline.
My ex-best friend whom I blocked on social media, messaged me the other day on her craft Instagram page. She was telling me how much of a shitty person I am when I told her straight up when I was going to hang out with one of our ex-lovers. I was honest and didn’t hide my feelings. We both had feelings for him and dated him before we knew each other. That was the right thing to do. Lying is not me. She thought her claws dug deep into me when she told me that my recent ex hit her up. I mean, I’ve found an amazing guy who was someone I had previously dated in college. He’s good to me. He appreciates me. He is genuine. Our relationship is always being built in a constructive and loving manner.
Plus, if she likes being called crazy and gaslighted constantly, my ex is perfect for her.
What dug deep was her saying that I did things behind her back. I almost screenshotted and sent our old convo to call her bluff, but I let it go. I did see her as a best friend, to this day she would say this isn’t true. It was. I had hoped that she would understand my feelings but she didn’t.
I mean, she’s back with that ex-lover we argued over who mutually wanted to see me at one point. They’ve been on and off for years anyway. No hard feelings on this end. I’m happy that they are happy. It hurts that she despises me this much, but that’s her issue at this point.
If you both are reading this finding humor out of it, I pity you for finding humor in someone else’s pain and wish you both the best in life.
My boyfriend died and got resuscitated last month, it was terrifying seeing him on life support. I stood by his side and looked after him the week after this incident. He is lucky to be alive. The doctors thought he wouldn’t survive, but sometimes I think about it and feel like I’m going to almost lose him again. It physically hurts to think about it, I literally get scared. Thank God I have a therapy appointment next month. I haven’t brought the incident up in detail to anyone in a long time. It was too difficult to re-live. It’s not an easy thing for anyone to witness. It’s all I could picture for weeks.
I had a best friend who recently passed away from a heroin overdose. His wife who is also my friend found him in his apartment. They think he OD’d on purpose given the amount that was left there. I never have done the stuff, never want to either.
The day before the funeral:
I separated from him when he was too unhealthy for my mental health three years ago. The last time I saw him was last year. We were inseperaable for a long time before our falling out. I have a lot of guilt. I went to his funeral yesterday, it was one of the most difficult days of my life. He was an amazing person who fought his demons until he couldn’t anymore. His mental and physical issues caused a lot of pain for him, so if anything I remind myself that he’s at peace. To be honest, I don’t blame him for how he felt. He had physical health issues on top of mental health issues. It’s bad enough having a body that won’t listen but a mind that torments you on top of that? It’s a dangerous cocktail. I’ve made it this far somehow, I’m doing my best to keep moving forward.
I’ve been able to picture his face and voice clear as day the past week. This loss has been traumatic for me to say the least. I can literally just hear his voice randomly. I got to cry with his wife and mom yesterday which helped a lot.
I’m on a new MS medication called Ocrevus. My MS is a huge trigger for me because I witnessed my mom struggle with her MS for years. She also has been on infusions. Steroid infusions are my biggest memory. I watched her get steroid infusions with an at home nurse my whole life off and on. When a trigger is your own body it increases symptoms. You can’t escape yourself. The side effects make me feel like shit. I’m tired all the time too. I finished the second half my first dose last week.
I feel abandonment by my recent past relationship, I feel abandoned that my best friend died and left me (logically I know it wasn’t meant to hurt anyone), I feel abandoned by my ex-best friend, who sees me as a monster. I feel like one half the time anyway. Ha.
When I’m alone I feel undescribably empty. I feel such intense sadness lately that I feel like my existence is worthless. I get random spurts of euphoria which is how my mania has been. Either I want to die or feel the best I have in years. I wish I didn’t have such black and white thinking. I can’t wait to feel emotionally close to everyone around me again. I usually mask that empty feeling with a shit ton of weed or sleep. Sometimes both. I drink also but try not to that much due to it becoming an issue in my past. The pain can feel so intense.
Well, that’s all I’m writing here… for now.
Feel free to comment, I love hearing from you all.
Have you struggled with chronic emptiness with your BPD? If so how did you deal with it? How do you deal with your intense emotions?
Feel free to share ways that help. It could help someone who reads this too.
-Rebecca Elizabeth ( A Punk With MS)