Tag Archives: 420

The Void. Update.

It’s been a while since I have posted here.

Lately I’ve been struggling with loud thoughts, feelings of severe emptiness, and feelings of extreme love and attachment. All which are BPD symptoms. I always feel empty on some sort of level.

I’ve been out of a long-term relationship since late December last year. I was thoroughly convinced my partner had pure intentions until I got screamed at daily. I was also shoved. Than? I chose to leave him for good. The abuse was escalating and I didn’t want to be there when it escalated more. I stayed there almost a month until I found housing, I listened to his abusive words, screaming, and evil rants daily.

I could cry to him about my feelings and he would usually blankly stare at me like he didn’t care. He also liked to use my mental illness against me whenever I was upset and even guilted me when I wanted to spend more time with my family. I didn’t know what reality was from all the mental abuse, he gaslighted me often. No matter what I did, or how many things I did for him, I was never able to please him enough. I felt like I was just crazy. I got the help I needed a year into our relationship when my mental health wasn’t up to par and he refused to get professional therapy when I brought it up for him. A psychiatrist is good, but with unhealthy behaviors talking this out with someone is beneficial. I told him this.

I didn’t understand. If I got the help I needed for us, why wouldn’t he do the same? On my way out the door, he THAN said he would go to therapy, but the damage had already been done. It was too late. I will always look fondly on the good parts of him that did exist. I’m not saying he never cared about me ever because he did at times.

Losing him was the beginning of all that I knew of my identity being ripped away from me.

I wanted to believe he was the love of my life. Oh boy, was I wrong. I idolized him for so long that it took forever before I saw him as a negative factor in my life.

This is the first downfall my BPD has had in my recent mental decline.

Second Downfall:

My ex-best friend whom I blocked on social media, messaged me the other day on her craft Instagram page. She was telling me how much of a shitty person I am when I told her straight up when I was going to hang out with one of our ex-lovers. I was honest and didn’t hide my feelings. We both had feelings for him and dated him before we knew each other.  That was the right thing to do. Lying is not me. She thought her claws dug deep into me when she told me that my recent ex hit her up. I mean, I’ve found an amazing guy who was someone I had previously dated in college. He’s good to me. He appreciates me. He is genuine. Our relationship is always being built in a constructive and loving manner.

Plus, if she likes being called crazy and gaslighted constantly, my ex is perfect for her.

What dug deep was her saying that I did things behind her back. I almost screenshotted and sent our old convo to call her bluff, but I let it go.  I did see her as a best friend, to this day she would say this isn’t true. It was. I had hoped that she would understand my feelings but she didn’t.

I mean, she’s back with that ex-lover we argued over who mutually wanted to see me at one point. They’ve been on and off for years anyway. No hard feelings on this end. I’m happy that they are happy. It hurts that she despises me this much, but that’s her issue at this point.

 

If you both are reading this finding humor out of it, I pity you for finding humor in someone else’s pain and wish you both the best in life.

Third Downfall:

My boyfriend died and got resuscitated last month, it was terrifying seeing him on life support. I stood by his side and looked after him the week after this incident. He is lucky to be alive. The doctors thought he wouldn’t survive, but sometimes I think about it and feel like I’m going to almost lose him again. It physically hurts to think about it, I literally get scared. Thank God I have a therapy appointment next month. I haven’t brought the incident up in detail to anyone in a long time. It was too difficult to re-live. It’s not an easy thing for anyone to witness. It’s all I could picture for weeks.

Fourth downfall:

I had a best friend who recently passed away from a heroin overdose. His wife who is also my friend found him in his apartment. They think he OD’d on purpose given the amount that was left there. I never have done the stuff, never want to either.

The day before the funeral:

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I separated from him when he was too unhealthy for my mental health three years ago. The last time I saw him was last year. We were inseperaable for a long time before our falling out. I have a lot of guilt. I went to his funeral yesterday, it was one of the most difficult days of my life. He was an amazing person who fought his demons until he couldn’t anymore. His mental and physical issues caused a lot of pain for him, so if anything I remind myself that he’s at peace. To be honest, I don’t blame him for how he felt. He had physical health issues on top of mental health issues. It’s bad enough having a body that won’t listen but a mind that torments you on top of that? It’s a dangerous cocktail. I’ve made it this far somehow, I’m doing my best to keep moving forward.

 

I’ve been able to picture his face and voice clear as day the past week. This loss has been traumatic for me to say the least. I can literally just hear his voice randomly. I got to cry with his wife and mom yesterday which helped a lot.

 

Fifth Downfall:

I’m on a new MS medication called Ocrevus. My MS is a huge trigger for me because I witnessed my mom struggle with her MS for years. She also has been on infusions. Steroid infusions are my biggest memory. I watched her get steroid infusions with an at home nurse my whole life off and on. When a trigger is your own body it increases symptoms. You can’t escape yourself. The side effects make me feel like shit. I’m tired all the time too. I finished the second half my first dose last week.

I feel abandonment by my recent past relationship, I feel abandoned that my best friend died and left me (logically I know it wasn’t meant to hurt anyone), I feel abandoned by my ex-best friend, who sees me as a monster. I feel like one half the time anyway. Ha.

When I’m alone I feel undescribably empty. I feel such intense sadness lately that I feel like my existence is worthless. I get random spurts of euphoria which is how my mania has been. Either I want to die or feel the best I have in years. I wish I didn’t have such black and white thinking.  I can’t wait to feel emotionally close to everyone around me again. I usually mask that empty feeling with a shit ton of weed or sleep. Sometimes both. I drink also but try not to that much due to it becoming an issue in my past. The pain can feel so intense.

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Well, that’s all I’m writing here… for now.

Feel free to comment, I love hearing from you all.

 

Have you struggled with chronic emptiness with your BPD? If so how did you deal with it? How do you deal with your intense emotions?

Feel free to share ways that help. It could help someone who reads this too.

 

Xoxo

-Rebecca Elizabeth ( A Punk With MS)

 

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Cannabombz: A New Bathing Experience

Today I am going to share an open and honest review of a cannabis product that I purchased myself recently. I was not asked to make a review but had such a positive experience with this product that I absolutely HAD to share!

 

I had the pleasure of soaking in Cannabombz scent “Aquamarine” today.

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This was one of the most relaxing experiences I’ve ever had. This bath bomb is infused with highly concentrated CBD (Canna) oil, home-grown herbs, Epsom salt crystals, and eucalyptus oil. The owner of Cannabombz grows all of her herbs with love and care, she also loves using different essential oils.  The eucalyptus in this particular bath bomb makes your skin feel minty fresh in the water, and your body is completely relaxed within 15-20 minutes of soaking.

 

 

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(look at the beautiful detail of this bath bomb!)

 

I soaked for 30 minutes and was most definitely NOT disappointed. When I got out of the bath my body felt heavy, euphoric, and relaxed. One of the most important things to me when trying a cannabis product is that it helps with pain relief. Living with Multiple Sclerosis has my body in constant spasms that don’t go away on their own. This product won’t only help people like me but anyone out there in general who lives with chronic pain. If I had to rate it on a 1-10 scale it most definitely would be a 10 for me.

The customer service was also wonderful. My bombs came with a tracking number and any questions I had were answered immediately! Her bath bombs come in different sizes, I purchased a small because my tub is small! She truly cares about her customers and takes her job very seriously. This is something we truly need in the Cannabis community.

Here is a link to a video I posted on Instagram of the Bath Bomb in the water

If you would like to try this product out for yourself, message Cannabombz on Instagram here! Prepare for the relaxation of your life, you most definitely have to “soak it to believe it”!

 

-Rebecca Elizabeth, A Punk With MS

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marijuana and the Stigma that Surrounds it

Okay, so we hear all kinds of things about marijuana in our everyday lives (especially lately with legalization across the nation). Parents across the USA fear for their teens and fear  the possibility of their younger children somehow getting a hold of the plant.  Major media outlets such as CBS news have gotten on the reefer madness hysteria bandwagon  about a rare syndrome that has been around since the beginning of time for marijuana users. The syndrome is easily halted by stopping marijuana use and even taking a hot shower.  All that this type of media exposure is doing is putting nothing but fear into people about marijuana’s legalization movement when the plant itself helps people more than harms them. I can’t think of any situation where marijuana is harmful to someone.  The DEA even recently put CBD on the same list as other Schedule 1 drugs (which includes heroin and marijuana) CBD is from the marijuana plant but does not get you high, it relieves pain. Will the federal government ever accept the fact that a plant from the earth isn’t as harmful as alcohol or opiates?

There may still be a war against the federal legalization of marijuana but many people agree on one thing; other parts of the world have legalized it and now it’s time that the U.S.A. followed.

For an example, I’m a 25 almost 26 year old woman with Multiple Sclerosis.If you have no idea what Multiple Sclerosis is, click here. Marijuana doesn’t just help my muscle spasms and nerve pain, it has also stopped a lot of my P.T.S.D. symptoms.  It slows down my racing thoughts and  gives me a chance to think before acting irrationally.  This miracle plant has gotten me off muscle relaxants and has given me a chance at a better life.

I live in the state of Maine and I am blessed to have a medical marijuana card, but our Governor Paul Lepage is determined to try his best to halt recreational use another year against the will of Maine voters. This means if it doesn’t get legalized recreationally, i’ll have to pay a lot of money to renew my medical marijuana card this year and pay more for something at the dispensary that I could otherwise legally grow myself for less cost.

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Marijuana doesn’t only help with MS, it helps with many symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease,  Cancer, Lupus, Lyme Disease, and everyday chronic pain. There are many other conditions it helps, but to list them all would take a century.

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If you know anyone who is misinformed on the benefits of marijuana, step up and speak out. This is a way that you can inform them (or even possibly change their mind on the topic).  With a lot of hope and advocating as much as possible on the topic, we can get one more step towards legalization.

-Rebecca Elizabeth A Punk with MS