Tag Archives: anxiety

The Long Road

I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Life has been pretty hectic (between mental health/physical health appointments, personal issues, and personal obligations it’s been quite overbearing.) My mental health issues have also flared up, and it’s been a huge struggle. Alas, I have a wonderful online community here and wanted to give my appreciation to all of you, because you have helped me as much as I’ve helped you. We are all a team of wonderful human beings going through similar things. I will be mindful of updating this blog more, because I do not want to throw all of the work I’ve put into this blog away. I am only human of course, and have been lacking the motivation to write, but I plan to use this as an outlet again as soon as possible. If there are any topics you would like to see me write about, feel free to email me at apunkwithms@gmail.com. Thank you all for being so supportive and for following me.

With love always,

-Rebecca Elizabeth  (A Punk With MS)

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My New BPD life

Today I went to see my therapist (I see her weekly every Monday). When I walked into her office I was a complete mess. For over a year, I have had episodes of severe emotional distress whenever I come back home from being away longer than a day. I had no understanding of why these episodes kept happening. It literally has turned my world upside down. I asked my therapist for some guidance because I seriously didn’t want to end up in crisis again.

The past week has been emotionally exhausting. I left home for 5 days to see my family (there was a medical emergency for a family member) so I got some great quality time with them. I felt so happy……I was SO happy it was truly euphoric. Everything felt perfect and I didn’t ever want that happiness to end. When I got home reality sunk in and I hated everything and everyone around me. I remembered old events that detached me from everyone in the first place. I felt guilty, angry, sad, and felt like my life was truly worthless. I thought that I was worthless. Being on disability the rest of my life? Worthless. Unable to provide for my family like I used to? Again, worthless. An audio hallucination of my own voice inside of my head told me specifically that my life is meaningless. (this is a common symptom for PTSD and BPD patients..they will hear a past abusers voice in their head or their own voice in their head saying things to them. In my situation, it’s only a sentence than it goes away. This has only happened twice in my lifetime. This is from past trauma.) In the past, this intense mood pattern has happened not only after visiting family but after visiting friends for a couple of days. It happens out of the blue some days when I am home (I call these my “off” days)

I detach from everyone when I am in this mind frame. I think everyone is against me or is going to abandon me. I don’t call my mother for days and think everyone hates me. I think I’m not giving enough to others or doing enough for others. When returning home everything my boyfriend does annoys me and I lash out at him. It isn’t his fault, he’s been nothing but supportive of me. I am getting the help I need, and I REFUSE to let my relationship with him fall apart. I hate that I adore someone one moment and feel the complete opposite other times. I hate how I get angry outbursts and cry over the littlest things (little things to others, big things to me)

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(Artist: http://akirakirai.deviantart.com/)

The symptom I am describing is emotional dysregulation at its finest. I also am describing my inability to determine reality from my thoughts and emotions. This is a  huge symptom of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Well, as of today, have a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis.

My psychiatrist was originally going to look at a diagnosis between BPD and Bipolar 2 Disorder but my therapist beat her to it. She explained to me in depth why I do not have bipolar 2 disorder.

For more information about BPD, click here.

I once was a mental health professional taking care of people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am filled with grief, anger, and even relief to know exactly what is wrong with me. The saddest part of all this is that I have helped others with these struggles, but now I am receiving the same services that I used to give.

I am still human just like anyone else, my emotions and thoughts are just more amplified and more difficult to control.

DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) is a very important treatment for this disorder. There is no cure. Without DBT, the symptoms are not properly regulated. I am doing DBT weekly with my therapist and recommend whoever else has this diagnosis to do the exact same.

I will write more on this topic in the future, but that is all I had to write for now. If you have BPD and are also new to this journey, it is scary. Not only scary but sometimes it can even be terrifying. With DBT and a lot of determination, it can be fought. We have a long fight ahead of us, but we can make it. ūüíó

 

This is my new BPD life.

 

 

-Rebecca Elizabeth (A Punk With MS)

 

I Never Knew I Was “That Sick” A Mental Health Story

Some people go years wondering what went wrong in their lives to trigger a mental illness. Some people know what went wrong but choose to not accept it.

Childhood trauma?

Abandonment?

Mental/Physical/Sexual abuse and manipulation?

These types of issues can build up over the years and wreak havoc on your soul. The longer you hold it all in the worse your mental health will be. If you have a lot of baggage to carry, please see a therapist as soon as possible. Don’t go about your mental health like I did.

I thought I was going about my mental health correctly, but I wasn’t. I would only go to therapy when I felt I “needed to” instead of seeing someone on a regular basis. With a lot of traumatic history, this was my first mistake. ¬†Outside of therapy, I would stuff all of my emotions deep down where no one could ever find them. I would swallow sadness and show nothing but smiles because I didn’t want to let the people around me down. ¬†Or, I’d get really angry, upset, and say hateful words to those I loved the most. I would push them away intentionally.

I was originally prescribed a mood disorder medication as a teenager but stopped taking it when I thought to myself “I don’t need this anymore because I already take an antidepressant” this was my second mistake. Year after year my moods would swing constantly. Bad days, then good days, then mixed days. I was labeled with major depression, anxiety and PTSD with disassociative features. All of my therapists thought the mood swings were trauma related.

They are, but here’s the real kicker: ¬†I also have a history of Bipolar 2 Disorder in my family. Due to my traumatic childhood, my psychiatrist also thinks I may have Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar 2 Disorder.

Not in a million years would I ever feel that I would have those two diagnoses brought up to me. I’m still waiting for my mood stabilizer to work better. My psychiatrist will diagnose me officially from there.

My moods have ruined a lot of moments in my life and a part of me wishes I could get those years back with proper mental health treatment.

The moral of this story is that you need to take care of yourself especially if you have a mental illness. Go to therapy, see your psychiatrist, take your meds, do what you need to do to remain mentally healthy. You may need more help than you realize. The only way to get the most accurate diagnoses and the best care is to make sure your appointments are a routine. Don’t be afraid to get help because there are many options and many people who understand exactly what you are going through. Recovery is possible.

With love,

-Rebecca Elizabeth A Punk With MS

The Old Me, A Memoir

I miss the days where I didn’t have to pay attention to what I ate, or how hard I pushed myself.

I miss the times where I bathed in the sun with not a care in the world. Nowadays when I’m in the heat too long, I overheat and feel ill.

I miss not having so many doctor’s appointments and having a completely open schedule to do as I please during the days I didn’t have to work.

I miss working a lot.

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I miss the days when my body would not attack itself, the days without dealing with one migraine after another, and the days without having to take so many pills.

Today I say goodbye to the old me, and focus on today the best that I can. I will forever miss the old me, but a part of her will always remain. You can say goodbye to the old you too, it doesn’t mean that you have to completely forget her/him. Take care of yourself and try to accept your current situation ¬†(as tough as it may be.) Dwelling on who you used to be all the time can reopen old wounds and cause you even more¬†unnecessary pain. You can do it, I believe in you.

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– Rebecca Elizabeth (A Punk With MS)

“I Am The Sky”A New Branch Of Support

Mental health is always a topic that carries stigma. Some people are open about their mental illnesses, and others are not. Thomas Dyer, a caring member of a small Maine community in Orono, is taking a step forward to help those who are in need of someone to talk to for mental health support across the country. He know’s what it’s like to struggle with mental health issues, and wants to give back. He started a confidential 24/7 support line called “I Am The Sky” He has even started a Go Fund Me¬†page in hopes that people will donate to help his non-profit organization grow even further. I spoke with Thomas today, and asked him a few questions about how this idea came about, and asked him about his hope for I Am The Sky’s future.

 

Me: Thomas, I understand that the topic of mental health is something you are very passionate about. How did this organization start?

Thomas: I Am The Sky is something that I’ve wanted to start for so many years. It’s something I’ve had in my brain for far too long. I grew struggling with depression and severe anxiety, and I was surrounded by people who I felt didn’t understand. I felt so alone, and that feeling itself makes the idea of suicide that much easier. After years of this feeling I came to realize that if people like myself could come together and help one another, we could in some way save each other’s lives. And since that day, I’ve been trying to put this project together.

Me: How did you come up with the name “I Am The Sky”? Does it have any significant meaning to you personally?

Thomas: I Am The Sky has so much meaning to me. This phrase alone kept me going. A while back I was told by a wonderful person that anxiety, depression, and fear, are all clouds in the sky, and I was the sky. And no matter how cloudy it got, no matter how bad the weather was, I’d still be there and the clouds would go away, because I Am The Sky.

Me: That is the most beautiful story. I absolutely love the name. What is your mental health story? Only share what you are comfortable sharing.

Thomas: My mental health story is lengthy I won’t lie. I’ve suffered from severe depression, social anxiety, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I¬†was a kid. It was all so debilitating for me, I felt like I was trapped. I found a wonderful agency that helped me learn to cope with my problems. And after years of being a client I became a worker. I felt so alive helping people, and in return helped myself.

Me: What are your hopes for I Am The Sky’s future?

I hope that someday in the near future we can become a well known source of help for those who need it. I hope that we can, even if by a little, help people feel less alone.

Me: What would you like to tell people who are reading this article right now?

Everyone who knows me knows I say this alot, Be yourself. Love yourself, everything about yourself. Be different, and create. This life has so much to offer. There will always be a struggle, someone putting what you do down, but forget them. Show them why you are here. But always remember, You’re worth it.

 

iamthesky

Follow I am the sky today to help support others who are fighting mental health issues. One like, donation, or share could possibly save someone’s life. Here are the links:

I Am The Sky On Facebook

I Am The Sky On Instagram

I Am The Sky Go Fund Me

-Rebecca Elizabeth A Punk With MS