Today I went to see my therapist (I see her weekly every Monday). When I walked into her office I was a complete mess. For over a year, I have had episodes of severe emotional distress whenever I come back home from being away longer than a day. I had no understanding of why these episodes kept happening. It literally has turned my world upside down. I asked my therapist for some guidance because I seriously didn’t want to end up in crisis again.
The past week has been emotionally exhausting. I left home for 5 days to see my family (there was a medical emergency for a family member) so I got some great quality time with them. I felt so happy……I was SO happy it was truly euphoric. Everything felt perfect and I didn’t ever want that happiness to end. When I got home reality sunk in and I hated everything and everyone around me. I remembered old events that detached me from everyone in the first place. I felt guilty, angry, sad, and felt like my life was truly worthless. I thought that I was worthless. Being on disability the rest of my life? Worthless. Unable to provide for my family like I used to? Again, worthless. An audio hallucination of my own voice inside of my head told me specifically that my life is meaningless. (this is a common symptom for PTSD and BPD patients..they will hear a past abusers voice in their head or their own voice in their head saying things to them. In my situation, it’s only a sentence than it goes away. This has only happened twice in my lifetime. This is from past trauma.) In the past, this intense mood pattern has happened not only after visiting family but after visiting friends for a couple of days. It happens out of the blue some days when I am home (I call these my “off” days)
I detach from everyone when I am in this mind frame. I think everyone is against me or is going to abandon me. I don’t call my mother for days and think everyone hates me. I think I’m not giving enough to others or doing enough for others. When returning home everything my boyfriend does annoys me and I lash out at him. It isn’t his fault, he’s been nothing but supportive of me. I am getting the help I need, and I REFUSE to let my relationship with him fall apart. I hate that I adore someone one moment and feel the complete opposite other times. I hate how I get angry outbursts and cry over the littlest things (little things to others, big things to me)
The symptom I am describing is emotional dysregulation at its finest. I also am describing my inability to determine reality from my thoughts and emotions. This is a huge symptom of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Well, as of today, have a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis.
My psychiatrist was originally going to look at a diagnosis between BPD and Bipolar 2 Disorder but my therapist beat her to it. She explained to me in depth why I do not have bipolar 2 disorder.
For more information about BPD, click here.
I once was a mental health professional taking care of people with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I am filled with grief, anger, and even relief to know exactly what is wrong with me. The saddest part of all this is that I have helped others with these struggles, but now I am receiving the same services that I used to give.
I am still human just like anyone else, my emotions and thoughts are just more amplified and more difficult to control.
DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) is a very important treatment for this disorder. There is no cure. Without DBT, the symptoms are not properly regulated. I am doing DBT weekly with my therapist and recommend whoever else has this diagnosis to do the exact same.
I will write more on this topic in the future, but that is all I had to write for now. If you have BPD and are also new to this journey, it is scary. Not only scary but sometimes it can even be terrifying. With DBT and a lot of determination, it can be fought. We have a long fight ahead of us, but we can make it. 💗
This is my new BPD life.
-Rebecca Elizabeth (A Punk With MS)