Tag Archives: mentalhealthawareness

Forgiving and Letting Go Of The Past?

You’re sitting in a chair relaxing on your front porch watching the sunset when suddenly a feeling of sadness arises. It causes you to feel guilty, useless, and empty. Why are you so sad when you are looking at something so beautiful? The answer? Your mind. Memories.

Why are thoughts so powerful? They can make us laugh, make us cry, and put us in the most positive space negative mental space we have ever been in.

There sadly isn’t an easy answer. 

Numerous studies are done on human psychology all over the world, and we aren’t even halfway to learning about the human brain. There is so much information we have yet to find.

My point is, the past can be difficult sometimes. Traumatic events re-wire your brain in a way it wasn’t wired before. 

A lot of damage is done after so many events which can make it difficult to recover after a mental breakdown. 

Letting go is hard. So is forgiving. 

For you I have five words: One day at a time.

-Rebecca Elizabeth (A Punk With MS)

My New BPD life

Today I went to see my therapist (I see her weekly every Monday). When I walked into her office I was a complete mess. For over a year, I have had episodes of severe emotional distress whenever I come back home from being away longer than a day. I had no understanding of why these episodes kept happening. It literally has turned my world upside down. I asked my therapist for some guidance because I seriously didn’t want to end up in crisis again.

The past week has been emotionally exhausting. I left home for 5 days to see my family (there was a medical emergency for a family member) so I got some great quality time with them. I felt so happy……I was SO happy it was truly euphoric. Everything felt perfect and I didn’t ever want that happiness to end. When I got home reality sunk in and I hated everything and everyone around me. I remembered old events that detached me from everyone in the first place. I felt guilty, angry, sad, and felt like my life was truly worthless. I thought that I was worthless. Being on disability the rest of my life? Worthless. Unable to provide for my family like I used to? Again, worthless. An audio hallucination of my own voice inside of my head told me specifically that my life is meaningless. (this is a common symptom for PTSD and BPD patients..they will hear a past abusers voice in their head or their own voice in their head saying things to them. In my situation, it’s only a sentence than it goes away. This has only happened twice in my lifetime. This is from past trauma.) In the past, this intense mood pattern has happened not only after visiting family but after visiting friends for a couple of days. It happens out of the blue some days when I am home (I call these my “off” days)

I detach from everyone when I am in this mind frame. I think everyone is against me or is going to abandon me. I don’t call my mother for days and think everyone hates me. I think I’m not giving enough to others or doing enough for others. When returning home everything my boyfriend does annoys me and I lash out at him. It isn’t his fault, he’s been nothing but supportive of me. I am getting the help I need, and I REFUSE to let my relationship with him fall apart. I hate that I adore someone one moment and feel the complete opposite other times. I hate how I get angry outbursts and cry over the littlest things (little things to others, big things to me)

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(Artist: http://akirakirai.deviantart.com/)

The symptom I am describing is emotional dysregulation at its finest. I also am describing my inability to determine reality from my thoughts and emotions. This is a  huge symptom of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Well, as of today, have a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis.

My psychiatrist was originally going to look at a diagnosis between BPD and Bipolar 2 Disorder but my therapist beat her to it. She explained to me in depth why I do not have bipolar 2 disorder.

For more information about BPD, click here.

I once was a mental health professional taking care of people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am filled with grief, anger, and even relief to know exactly what is wrong with me. The saddest part of all this is that I have helped others with these struggles, but now I am receiving the same services that I used to give.

I am still human just like anyone else, my emotions and thoughts are just more amplified and more difficult to control.

DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) is a very important treatment for this disorder. There is no cure. Without DBT, the symptoms are not properly regulated. I am doing DBT weekly with my therapist and recommend whoever else has this diagnosis to do the exact same.

I will write more on this topic in the future, but that is all I had to write for now. If you have BPD and are also new to this journey, it is scary. Not only scary but sometimes it can even be terrifying. With DBT and a lot of determination, it can be fought. We have a long fight ahead of us, but we can make it. ūüíó

 

This is my new BPD life.

 

 

-Rebecca Elizabeth (A Punk With MS)

 

I Never Knew I Was “That Sick” A Mental Health Story

Some people go years wondering what went wrong in their lives to trigger a mental illness. Some people know what went wrong but choose to not accept it.

Childhood trauma?

Abandonment?

Mental/Physical/Sexual abuse and manipulation?

These types of issues can build up over the years and wreak havoc on your soul. The longer you hold it all in the worse your mental health will be. If you have a lot of baggage to carry, please see a therapist as soon as possible. Don’t go about your mental health like I did.

I thought I was going about my mental health correctly, but I wasn’t. I would only go to therapy when I felt I “needed to” instead of seeing someone on a regular basis. With a lot of traumatic history, this was my first mistake. ¬†Outside of therapy, I would stuff all of my emotions deep down where no one could ever find them. I would swallow sadness and show nothing but smiles because I didn’t want to let the people around me down. ¬†Or, I’d get really angry, upset, and say hateful words to those I loved the most. I would push them away intentionally.

I was originally prescribed a mood disorder medication as a teenager but stopped taking it when I thought to myself “I don’t need this anymore because I already take an antidepressant” this was my second mistake. Year after year my moods would swing constantly. Bad days, then good days, then mixed days. I was labeled with major depression, anxiety and PTSD with disassociative features. All of my therapists thought the mood swings were trauma related.

They are, but here’s the real kicker: ¬†I also have a history of Bipolar 2 Disorder in my family. Due to my traumatic childhood, my psychiatrist also thinks I may have Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar 2 Disorder.

Not in a million years would I ever feel that I would have those two diagnoses brought up to me. I’m still waiting for my mood stabilizer to work better. My psychiatrist will diagnose me officially from there.

My moods have ruined a lot of moments in my life and a part of me wishes I could get those years back with proper mental health treatment.

The moral of this story is that you need to take care of yourself especially if you have a mental illness. Go to therapy, see your psychiatrist, take your meds, do what you need to do to remain mentally healthy. You may need more help than you realize. The only way to get the most accurate diagnoses and the best care is to make sure your appointments are a routine. Don’t be afraid to get help because there are many options and many people who understand exactly what you are going through. Recovery is possible.

With love,

-Rebecca Elizabeth A Punk With MS

Getting Yourself Through Tough Times

We’ve all been there. Some days you may feel like you’re simply living day by day, other days you may feel like you truly have a purpose for your existence. Dealing with emotional and physical issues can be a burden that follows you throughout the journey of your life, but it can also empower you. Here is a list of ways you can get yourself¬†through the more challenging times.

1. Be Mindful Of Your Emotions

Okay, so let’s get straight to the point. Some days your mind may race, it also may wander. Sleepless nights may have you tossing and turning, you may even be in physical pain. Regardless of your situation, I want you to listen closely to these words: You do not have to be a prisoner of your own emotions.¬†What does that mean? It means that you can be mindful of negative thoughts that may ¬†pass through your mind, but you do not have to allow them to cage you. The mind is a powerful thing, so be mindful of those thoughts but realize that they are only the darker and more distressed parts of you talking (especially the negative thoughts you may have about yourself)

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2. Find A Support System To Help You Deal With Your Mental And Physical Issues

It’s not an easy path but we all need a hand sometimes. There are numerous outlets that can help us during our tough times especially during this technological time and age. There are many different online support groups on places like Facebook and many other places online that you can express your issues with other people also struggling without judgment. If you can’t afford therapy there’s even a free website called¬†7 Cups of Tea¬†that has numerous volunteers (some who work in the mental health field) who can help you cope with your distress. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to talk to who may even also know what it’s like to have mental or physical issues. ¬†This type of interaction will help you achieve your personal goals in improving your emotional well-being and is especially helpful for those with social anxiety.

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3. Do An Activity That Makes You Happy

When you’re not emotionally in a positive state of mind or are limited physically to do as much as you’re used to, it’s VERY important to keep productive. If you can’t do much in your current state, doing something as simple as meditation for a few¬†minutes a day ¬†or maybe listening to an E-Book can drastically improve your mood. I find books personally hard for me to focus on some days,¬†so listening to someone read it is super helpful when those unfocused days hit me. There’s also yoga, poetry, drawing, photography, and many different activities that you can do. If you don’t like those ideas maybe start binging on your favorite Netflix or Hulu show!

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One last thing I want to cover; Don’t overwhelm yourself or put too much pressure on yourself to do all of these ¬†listed things at once because recovery takes time. Self care is ¬†important, so please¬†don’t forget that you are just as important as anyone else in this world.

-Rebecca Elizabeth A Punk With MS